please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
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He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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