I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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