saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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