I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize