i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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