I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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