Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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