I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize