Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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