I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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