all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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