Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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