I accidentally had phone sex last night
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Are we still banned from the library?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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