she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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