I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
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When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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