just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
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Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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