i was rollin on her like bob the builder
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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