woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
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Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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