Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
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I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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