Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
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You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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