I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
40s are totally the cure
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
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