i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
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His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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