Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
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I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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