rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
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i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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