maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
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Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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