Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
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I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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