In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize