I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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