Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize