i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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