somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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