i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
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The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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