Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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