I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
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He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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