next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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