Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
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My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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