i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize