I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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