Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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