so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
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Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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