I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
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You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
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I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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