Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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