its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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