I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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