Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
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OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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