I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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