When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
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My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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