Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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