you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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