I must be too annoying 4 u.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
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Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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